One day, I decided I had enough…
I had enough of guzzling sodas like they were water and eating like every day was a buffet. I had enough of not being able to fit into my jeans without squeezing in only to cause a huge muffin top to appear. Did I say muffin top? That should read banana bread top. Because it was huge.
I had enough so I decided to change my habits. I wish I could say, I went through my DVD’s and looked for the workout that started it all.
But I’d be lying if I said that. Because having tried it once before and failing terribly, the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of the fool I made of myself months ago. So, what did I do?
I took the easy way out. Yes, even at the cost of putting my health in danger. I did it because I wanted fast results.
I was tired of seeing the huge person in the mirror that greeted me daily. Thus, I stopped eating. I literally starved myself. It was hard at first. But every time I would reach out for food, I would start the name-calling marathon. Unfriendly reminders so I wouldn’t forget how huge I was.
Things like, “see, that’s why you’re so fat because you eat so much.” “Gosh, you eat like a pig.” “Really, you can’t even stop eating because you can never do anything you set your mind to.”
Now, although what I had set my mind to do was harmful, at the time, I really, really, but I mean, really wanted to lose that extra baggage that hugged me all over. And I wanted immediate results, and that was the “only“ way for me. I struggled at first, but eventually, I “mastered” it.
I got so good at it, that I was able to wake up and not even crave a thing. Besides, noticing my stomach go from big to flat each morning really did the trick. I was happy. And I’d notice every time I did have my food during my lunch break at work, I would get all “nasty fat” again. So, I just stuck with salads. And even then I didn’t finish it all. On my off days, I wouldn’t go near solids. It was pure liquids for this girl. And I started noticing more changes. And I started to like the new person looking at me when I faced a mirror.
That went on for quite a while. And with that came the lack of vitamins, the loss of hair. But I brushed it aside because, in my mind, it was totally worth it. From where I sit right now, I know that it was foolish of me. But at the time, I let it take over. I thought I had it under control, but soon not eating was my norm. And the days that I had to eat, I felt disgusted.
I was no longer only battling my weight issues, now I had constant mind battles as well. I didn’t know how to get out from what started as something unharmful, to lose a few pounds. Because every time I’d eat, even an apple, I would feel fat.
And I still saw myself as huge. I look back at my photographs,
and now I see, that was just in my mind. Because I had lost the extra baggage. Thanks to barely eating. NOt only did I lose the excess fat, but I lost nutrients and I lost myself. I loved my flatter stomach but loathed that I felt I could no longer eat. And that made me feel unhappy still.
I didn’t get it. I did it to try and feel better about myself, but being skinny didn’t do a damn thing to change my mental state. I approved of my waaaaay, flatter stomach. Sadly, I disapproved of my eating habits.
I was back at square one. I never really left it, to begin with. All my walking and poor eating habits didn’t get me anywhere. Sure, I got compliments here and there. “Oh, you’re looking good.” But I knew I was a phony. The sacrifices I made to get there – they weren’t worth it at all.
And I wanted out of this situation too. Luckily for me, love came knocking at my door and I was able to enjoy meals with him. And the voices that were so used to calling me fat turned into whispers. It didn’t happen overnight. I’m presenting a prettier picture. I’ve left out the mess an artist leaves in the studio.
The point is, I was able to overcome. But it doesn’t end there. Because although I wasn’t at the same battling ground didn’t mean I got my physical state back in order. On the contrary. I was so in love I put on pounds. Because now, I was back to eating the
fat fast foods. And I was back where I started. Except in that moment in time, I didn’t notice it because again, I was in love.
It wasn’t until the break – up happened, that I attended my personal pity party. But this post isn’t about love nor breakups. But that was the moment, I packed, even more, pounds and it’s crucial to mention. Because that is when I got back to my overweight self. Weighing in at 139 lbs. Now for a 5-foot flat gal, that’s overboard.
Then came the day, I had enough of that too. But this time I really had enough. At least, that’s what I told myself as a convincing method to do something about it. And I did, but I won’t go into further details. I’ll leave that for part 3.