On Relationship With Self

I won’t bore you with the sobbing sickening details. Here’s the short summary: I’ve had a rocky relationship with my body. It started when I was about 11 and becoming aware of my unibrow. Then at 12 after panicking when I noticed bouncing soft-ball sized boobs when my friends had barely-there bubs. Again when I was the only curly-haired frizzy gal while everyone else sported soft and silky straight hair. The list keeps going and that’s when it happened. The Thing that caused me to slowly start hating nearly everything about my body – inside and out.

I was everything – devastated, disappointed, sad of my body. And then, I found my true self-appreciation. Self-love was blooming. But it didn’t happen just like that. It happened when I tweaked a lot of things in order for self-love to flourish.

I know, still not healthy. I had to change to get to a point where I was finally okay with myself. And then having to maintain it meant putting extra work and time and it just became consuming.

And then it wasn’t even steady either, because if I didn’t tweak the things, then I would go back to the self-loathe. Until I got tired of it all – pinching the squishy belly, plucking the unibrow, not being fully satisfied. That’s when it hit me.

I had to change, but not my appearance. I had to change my way of thinking.

I stopped focusing on the exterior and decided to embrace the interior. I slowly saw greater beauty then. I realized that, my kindness, my compassion, my empathy, my achievements held stronger values than those unibrow strays that sometimes linger. I still make some tweaks, here and there, but I no longer do that to love myself, I do it as an extracurricular activity. It’s no longer the focal point. I came to understand that if I let myself embrace my Kahloness, I won’t deprecate in worth. I wish I had known that many years ago.

I’ve been learning to let go of the false worth I saw in myself and embrace me as a whole.

That’s not to say that I no longer struggle with body image, because I do. I still have moments where I wish I could go back to the fittest version of myself, and loathe wants to creep in, but I stop and remind myself of who I am and will continue to be with or without the muffin top.

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